Cat-astrophe

maybe it's because i forget when sleep could take me away or because i can feel the rims of my contact lenses digging into my eyes. well, they say patience is a virtue...

so i pushed my suitcase off the roof--i guess that would be a no for traveling then.

i sat at my vanity and i couldn't help but cringe at her misplaced confidence.
i was mildly surprised to see the reflection of my suitcase falling behind me and to hear the yelp of the neighbor's cat, who now had me to blame for his unfortunate end.

"i just killed a cat, and now the cat's soul ascends-- maybe it'll meet my falling suitcase like a cheesy scene from a movie where the person watches a replay of their death"
i tried to make out the cats soul around the girl's head--it was really awkward, like she was purposely getting in the way. i pounded at the glass only to meet her stubborn fists pounding back.

from the beginning.


driving on a road and becoming suddenly aware of now, forgetting before and after.
now is a white rectangle on black asphalt. always is now and now and now melting into a streak of moving white light.

you find yourself floating in the middle of nowhere or an ocean without shores. although shores make an ocean don't they? so i guess you're floating in water, or blue. a place made of blue and maybe you're blue too because you're the only one who knows you're there at all and it's comforting.

but the brakes bring in panic and you realize you've left things behind and before you can even think about whether that matters, your seatbelt jerks you back into place. no to traveling. no to temporary tastes that you leave bitterly, that leave you bitter and maybe more hungry.
not because you know what you've been missing but because you understand that you've been missing and will continue to miss.

"i'm jealous of the cat. the cat and his glorious death--which probably makes his life glorious too. i doubt i'll ever be special enough to get struck down from the heavens, hand picked by Zeus himself, worthy of a lightning bolt--or a moldy old suitcase of cities unvisited."


--an original work by Cairene and Adrasteia

Coherently, my love life.

To N, who might not enjoy reading this.

Like almost all the girls I knew, I fell for the seemingly "fixable".
I always thought that the best thing to do to a person is help them be the person they always wanted to become.
And I fell for a man who wanted to be someone else, but never really wanted to go on in becoming that person.
He liked himself better as is. And I couldn't understand that.
And I pushed, and he pulled.

And I found in Kundera's books better rationales for his betrayal. And I forgave him, and my best friend for making out when we had problems.

And then, I couldn't find myself again. In the street, I was without him. In my room, I was without him. In my balcony, I was without.
I was never alone after we separated, but always without him.

And then, I had to reconstruct the syllables in the word "friends", before I realized, a few months later, that the boyfriend sleeping with the best friend is actually a classic.
And it made me laugh so hard I cried.

And because first cut is the deepest, I built a whole theory around how I have to push myself to get over him so quickly.

In my mind I refer to him as FirstCut. He still has a part of me.
He has a big piece of the cake of my naivety with him, and a certain morning whiteness that belongs to my "innocence" which I never had.

Walking alone, I saw the right man in the wrong time. I refer to him in my mind as NewMan.
He hurt me by giving too much, and I hurt myself by draining myself in a relationship when I should have been in Rehab.

And i left him over and over.
And I took a long break. Eight months, it took me eight months to reconcile with the FirstCut before I could see NewMan as a new man. Four of which were away in a room that's a part of the balcony that looks on a beautiful scenery of sunset.

I hit my head against the four walls and asked random passers by to love me enough to stop.

And then I opened my eyes and could see NewMan again.

And I could love him again, differently.

.
..
...
But I never settled.
I never settled.

I always wanted what I had.

And that's, coherently, my love life so far.