Coherently, my love life.
To N, who might not enjoy reading this.
Like almost all the girls I knew, I fell for the seemingly "fixable".
I always thought that the best thing to do to a person is help them be the person they always wanted to become.
And I fell for a man who wanted to be someone else, but never really wanted to go on in becoming that person.
He liked himself better as is. And I couldn't understand that.
And I pushed, and he pulled.
And I found in Kundera's books better rationales for his betrayal. And I forgave him, and my best friend for making out when we had problems.
And then, I couldn't find myself again. In the street, I was without him. In my room, I was without him. In my balcony, I was without.
I was never alone after we separated, but always without him.
And then, I had to reconstruct the syllables in the word "friends", before I realized, a few months later, that the boyfriend sleeping with the best friend is actually a classic.
And it made me laugh so hard I cried.
And because first cut is the deepest, I built a whole theory around how I have to push myself to get over him so quickly.
In my mind I refer to him as FirstCut. He still has a part of me.
He has a big piece of the cake of my naivety with him, and a certain morning whiteness that belongs to my "innocence" which I never had.
Walking alone, I saw the right man in the wrong time. I refer to him in my mind as NewMan.
He hurt me by giving too much, and I hurt myself by draining myself in a relationship when I should have been in Rehab.
And i left him over and over.
And I took a long break. Eight months, it took me eight months to reconcile with the FirstCut before I could see NewMan as a new man. Four of which were away in a room that's a part of the balcony that looks on a beautiful scenery of sunset.
I hit my head against the four walls and asked random passers by to love me enough to stop.
And then I opened my eyes and could see NewMan again.
And I could love him again, differently.
.
..
...
But I never settled.
I never settled.
I always wanted what I had.
And that's, coherently, my love life so far.
3 comments:
i think it's beautiful.
and firstcut doesn't need pushing, he needs castration :)
i know, i know-- he's an appealing character--and from that perspective i can like him but in real life, i'll always resent him
and now i'm going to make a long ass comment about the settling because i live in the middle of nowhere and have nothing better to do:
i saw this god damn movie and i became obsessed with the narrative.
it was this black and white film where the heroine is forced to marry this man she doesnt love,
but he loves her-- madly and deeply and everyday for the entirety of her life
and on her deathbed she tells him that even though she learned to love him, she couldn't imagine feeling more love for anyone else--and it was just really perfect, even though they had so little time to be in love
and i know it isn't ideal. it'd be great if a person could love and be loved in return from the first moment-- but ever since that story i became really scared of missing something because of a bad first impression.
it's hard to let go of that fear-- but i will :) thanks to a little pushing (see it works sometimes)
--Lala
:) i enjoyed reading it, very much.
there's something strange about that "first cut".. my first cut ended completely two and a half years ago, it took me eight months to be able to let him go :) i remember being mute for the first six of them, i remember being told that i didnt laugh once for those six months, and then two months later i got interested in someone, and rebounded like it was revenge. for those eight months i was learning again to be an entity away from him, when you say you were always without him, that is exactly how it felt. alone in the world without him. i travelled, i partied, i drank, i walked, i did everything alone on a mission to be complete alone, until it finally passed. i have loved two men since, one of which i am happily with today, but never again would i hand my soul over to someone like that, in the most naive unnatural of ways. he taught me to retain of myself, to love myself first to be able to love at all.
i still have nightmares of him, till today. he keeps a part of me i no longer hold, its like he took it away, the part that could disregard herself completely in the name of love, later to be renamed self destruction. those were the darkest days of my life, i lost my friends, my life, my self. it's been a long journey back, and even now i remain forever changed by that one man who held me in the trance of fixing him to be better, when as you say, he never wanted to be anything but what he was.
the resemblance of your words to what i have been through freak me more and more each time.
only one thing to add though, there is no meeting someone at the wrong time. trust that what happened had to happen for you to be here today.
When I read this I also felt like your words explained what I felt throughout my love life....
Maybe all "first cuts" leave us feeling that way...
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