From a Distance

From a distance, everything seems to be easy.
Everything is said. I see myself from a distance
And force myself to smile. When I am nearer to it,
though,
is when I realize how hard it is to smile with the eyes.
I realize, it's hard.
From a distance I could say
"I'll forget him in one day"
"there's absolutely no problem"
"Everything's going to be alright".
How come I can believe the arm could be an arm again,
after it was cut. How can I decieve myself to say that
I truely believe it?
If the arm could be the arm again, and the sheet could be a sheet again, why, then, can I not do it right now.
I dont know how to.
I forgot what it's like to not feel myself but feel the world. I feel,
as if I can't get out of me.
I can't get out of the traps of memory, either.
It will go away, I know it.
I want to believe it.

Dust..

It is so dusty outside..no I mean there's actually dust in the air...dusty wind. It's gray and gloomy. I like it though. I think gloomy weather is inspiring, I was just telling a friend that. I take the most photographs in winter and fall because winter and fall and gloomy. Something about them is nostalgic unlike the happy/beach-like summertime.
I dont think I am a gloomy person in general, on the contrary, I am a cheerful person. Most of the times I smile from the heart. Most of time I really do feel happy not only act happy. There's so much naivity in happiness but it does not make it any less appealing to me. It is strange, though, when I was a depressed sould teenager I thought happiness means unawareness. That if people could realize how much sadness and violence there is in this world we live in, they could never be happy. I see so many sad things, I meet so many depressed and tortured people. It does make me sad...but it's sad because they are sad. I am not satisfied with the world BUT as far as me and myself, I am satisfied with myself. This is what makes me happy. I am not talking satisfied in the sense that things cant get any better...but just that it gets better and worse and better and worse and we have to survive it. I fail a class, it happened. I am sad. But I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to prevent that to happen again not just sit in the corner of my room thinking how much of a failure I am and how I will all classes every single semester and all of this. I cant believe how I changed...I can see the moon now...Before, the moon was all dark!

Which is Which?

Which is better? The love that brings so much more pain than it takes away...or the loneliness and damp? Which is better; the lover that will torture me, or the lover I am not sure will come? Which is better?
Which is better; years of sadness and poetry and years of happiness and second-like passing times?
Which is better? The choices we make to determine our lives? or the choices we hold but put us, for good, in bad temper?
Which is better?
Which is better; asking who you are, or asking who do you want yourself to be?
Which is better? Asking "which is easier?" or asking "which is more loving?"

And, which is which?

Lies and Hopelessness

Last year was the year of lies. Everyone lied to me and I lied to everyone. The year of lies...like the year of the tiger and the year of the rabbit and all this. I recieved the biggest lies of my life about everything. Namely, about love, sexuality, God, life, drugs and sex! Therefore, I am going to call 2005 Year of Lies.
2006, even though it has just started, is already proving to be the year of hopelessness. I can stay there and watch all the people I love being caught up in all kinds of bad situations and I can do nothing about it. Whatever I say or do will not stop Fate from taking its steps towards scarring others on the face. It will not stop anything from happening. I can feel hopeless, and then a bit more hopeless till hopelessness proves to the theme of 2006. Therefore I am going to call 2006 Year of Hopelessness.
2004 was the best. I did so many things that were happy and delightful. I felt that everything was nice and smooth. Not in a cheesy way, but rather in an optimistic one. In 2004 I got to understand why I am what I am, and why I do certain things.
That year, 2004, made me have so much inner peace (that, of course, did not last) But 2004 still deserves the name Year of Nirvana.

I am still going to have to think about the name of 2006 because who knows, maybe it changes..then I would call it Year of the Great Revolution or something. The names I am picking feel as if they just walked out of a history book...but it's OK because they feel this way.

Brithdays Month

This month is the month of birthdays! My dad's brithday is today and that's how it starts...Sarah's birthday is tomorrow (Getting her a scarf, a kool one)And my boyfriend's birthday is on the 18th. Don't know what I am getting him yet...Today a friend asked me if I would like to write in an independent magazine they are starting. It is said to be discussing all kinds of controversial issues which is kool! I think my first article is going to be about homosexuality! I am so excited about it like no one can believe! I think I'll post it here when it's done..I mean the article...so that's it.