I don't know what I can save you from - take 2

My friend says that love can change people into their ideal selves, it can save them.
I don't know if that's true. If it is, then I might have failed to love - or love enough.
I think the highest stage of love is when you accept people's true colors even if the true color is black.
And i really wish i could do better but i can't because i had something that seemed to endless but i spilled it on someone and then i couldn't find any more of it in me to give it to someone else in need of it.
and, i don't live for people. If i live for someone it's for one person and it's not because he lives for me...it just so happens that i fall back in love with him when i found out that i had so much more of that thing that i spilled all reserved for him alone and no one else.

And it's because i have no more of that thing to give that i am disappointed now. i am ready to make the same mistakes again, trust and love and give but i just can't do it.
I can give only knowing it will be returned so i don't hunger for it. and i hunger for it every day.

It's as if I can only spend what he gives me and he has so much more of it and if he stops giving i'll only survive.

and it's as if I can't forgive.
and it's as if I can forgive with limits, knowing I'm not being a fool waiting for the second slap.
or even waiting for the second slap out of love.


i have definitely lost something in the way. i have lost a certain fuel and only one person fills it back.