Twenty, Forty, Sixty

In Notes from the Underground, the old man talks about how whole life was before him when he was twenty.

And I wonder why mine isn't like that. Why I don't feel like that. I almost have his feelings of forty--that I'm half-way through but what's passed is definitely more than what's to come.

"And I know now I'm not dying"
But I have to ask myself as a reminder, once every week, at least, Am I living?
And I know that these are general nightmares of the time and space we live in now, general fears of the human existing in the digital world. It does not at all soothe me that my fears are shared by others. It rather upsets me.

Twenty, Forty, Sixty.
One day, I couldn't wait to be twenty. Now I don't want to be twenty. I want to be ageless. Forget that I have a birth-certificate, forget calendars and just live...count the white hairs and the wrinkles and the falling teeth only. This is the only way that works in counting the days anyway, isn't it?