Little Games.

Little games of life. We play little games.
I say: I forgot, I moved on. And the response is: I forgot, I moved on, too!
Which is weird. And selfish for me to think that people should not move on. Only I should move on because I was the hurt one, I was the one lied to and cheated on.
I have not forgotten little things. I have not forgotten guitar-playing and pizza. I still have monsters under my skin, not only under my bed.
He says, you have no more monsters under your bed. Who said so? Are the memories not monsters? Are the scars not monsters under my bed?
I do have monsters under my bed and I hear their breath before I sleep. I am not drama queen. I am not drama queen.
I get called a drama queen because I let it all out whatever it is. So, what should I do now?
Why can I not have a nice talk? Why can I not feel something comforting in the air? Why not?

Maybe I don't deserve intimate feelings anymore?
When did the lovers, ever, take the space of friends' intimacy?

Too many questions. Too many questions.

Dominant?

Yesterday one of my very best friends decided to sit and have a talk with me and my boyfriend (who is also HIS best friend). He said that I am too dominant, he said that I make Fou (bf) lose all the time he needs for his thesis for his masters. He said that I am making him too dependent on me, that I dont give him enough care. He said that it's my fault that this relationship "look" like a good one and that we are two separate people not one unit.
Now, we have to think about this for a second.
I'm dominant? Why am I dominant? Just because I don't act like the all-weak-always-sitting-next-to-her-boyfriend kind of girl?
Is is because I can sit wherever I want and say wherever I want and disagree with him? Because I dont just shut up and not say my opinion about anything?
Maybe,
The truth is, thought, I dont want to be one unit. I am Sara, and I love being Sara. I dont want to be anyone else or merge with anyone else- we are two different people who love each other. This does make us have a certain bouding, yes, but it does not make us one unit; simple, because we have two different sets of brain cells!
I was so angry yesterday...I didnt feel well about the performance and I was almost not going to get up on stage to begin with. Gogo just kept trying to make me feel less nervous. Obviously, that worked. It was a great performance and everyone said I did great.
Today I am a lot less angry about it. I will not say all what I have for the friend because I know why he said that- he's my friend since 9th grade and I know how sometimes his own insecurities just flood on others. At least, though, I know I am not what he claimed me. I am not just dominant for the heck of it and I am not a fan of having a submissive man and all that political shit.

Birthday Girl

I'm the birthday girl...yes, that's right.
My birthday is tomorrow.
I think I'm going to write a book of short stories about places that I loved, places that I have memories with.

Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the show! Breathe in, breathe out. I was so scared. I felt like i was going to fuck up everything and everyone would say who is this girl, she's not an actress, but a loser!
I was so scared to get on stage and do my monologue like no one could ever believe but guess what... I DID IT!
I went up there and I made people laugh. I felt SO good about myself. I felt SO FUCKING GOOD. People clapped...I was so happy to not be a Loser (Capital L) and I was so satisfied.
I am not an actress...but at least I can do my part well; at least I can deliver some feeling.

All Gewd.

Brithdays

Birthdays, birthdays...dont you just love them? Someone you love was born that day. In that days you see them trying to forget that they are growing older...being closer to death. They are trying to remember, though, that life goes on...that there're still so many days to live and those days might be happy.
They are trying to remember that they have people around them who watched them growing older...people who are interested in witnessing them doing whatever they are doing and just be next to them. This is why I love birthdays.
Amgad's birthday was just lots of fun - Went to eat in a thai restaurant, got drinks, drank in a very distant place and just chatted about nothingness. It was so much fun! He had so much fun.