south

south
Originally uploaded by marinkel.

Such a Kool photo. When I saw this "blog this" icon thing I just decided I need to blog this. I love the color, the overall mood. It's brilliant.

Film...essays and shit!

I am done with the movie...it turned out crazy hectic. It goes in circles, it tells no facts, no truths.
I love the fact that not much people can understand this movie! I really like that. The proff said taht he will give me a grade between a C+ and a B+ which is kind of disappointing becuase i spent so much time on this film. The truth is, though, he has the right to do that. I mean, I didnt attend except 5 times out of like...12 of them. So he has the right even to fail me but I would really feel sorry for myself if he did that!
I have too many essays to write, too many things to read before the exams...to many things to do. I think stuff is piling up over my head and I am going to drawn...HELP!
OK, no...I'm going to do it. Sara, you can do it!
Well guess what, Gogo was out there in the movie saying that she names her boobs mike and Butch lol and the proff seemed to like that!! This girl is definitly crazy and definitly my friend :

So that's it for distraction.

I have to write papers...

I am not failing any class...

I love literature, it's true...that's why I wont fail.


that's it.

He's back to burning himself with the cigarettes. He doesnt want me to be happy because he doesnt know HOW to be happy. Two bodies can never separate, two souls can never separate...how then am I supposed not to feel for him when he burns himself with cigarettes? He knows that I empathize and that is exactly why he showed it to me today. He pretended that it wasnt there, I pretended it wasnt there but it was right there. The S shape with cigarette burns was right there.
What am I supposed to do?
Why is everything suddenly just piling up on my fucking head?
Why cant people understand that I am NOT OK! That for once, I need THEM this time to feel for me and help me and talk me out of things. Why cant people understand that sometimes I am weak...??

Maybe I should just be weak for them to understand.

Little Games.

Little games of life. We play little games.
I say: I forgot, I moved on. And the response is: I forgot, I moved on, too!
Which is weird. And selfish for me to think that people should not move on. Only I should move on because I was the hurt one, I was the one lied to and cheated on.
I have not forgotten little things. I have not forgotten guitar-playing and pizza. I still have monsters under my skin, not only under my bed.
He says, you have no more monsters under your bed. Who said so? Are the memories not monsters? Are the scars not monsters under my bed?
I do have monsters under my bed and I hear their breath before I sleep. I am not drama queen. I am not drama queen.
I get called a drama queen because I let it all out whatever it is. So, what should I do now?
Why can I not have a nice talk? Why can I not feel something comforting in the air? Why not?

Maybe I don't deserve intimate feelings anymore?
When did the lovers, ever, take the space of friends' intimacy?

Too many questions. Too many questions.

Dominant?

Yesterday one of my very best friends decided to sit and have a talk with me and my boyfriend (who is also HIS best friend). He said that I am too dominant, he said that I make Fou (bf) lose all the time he needs for his thesis for his masters. He said that I am making him too dependent on me, that I dont give him enough care. He said that it's my fault that this relationship "look" like a good one and that we are two separate people not one unit.
Now, we have to think about this for a second.
I'm dominant? Why am I dominant? Just because I don't act like the all-weak-always-sitting-next-to-her-boyfriend kind of girl?
Is is because I can sit wherever I want and say wherever I want and disagree with him? Because I dont just shut up and not say my opinion about anything?
Maybe,
The truth is, thought, I dont want to be one unit. I am Sara, and I love being Sara. I dont want to be anyone else or merge with anyone else- we are two different people who love each other. This does make us have a certain bouding, yes, but it does not make us one unit; simple, because we have two different sets of brain cells!
I was so angry yesterday...I didnt feel well about the performance and I was almost not going to get up on stage to begin with. Gogo just kept trying to make me feel less nervous. Obviously, that worked. It was a great performance and everyone said I did great.
Today I am a lot less angry about it. I will not say all what I have for the friend because I know why he said that- he's my friend since 9th grade and I know how sometimes his own insecurities just flood on others. At least, though, I know I am not what he claimed me. I am not just dominant for the heck of it and I am not a fan of having a submissive man and all that political shit.