Blabbering Around

So today,
"Gogo, are you OK? You didnt seem OK today."
"Oh no, I'm OK. Why doesnt everyone say I am not OK?" silence and then she continues "Am I OK?"
"You tell me", I say.
"Oh, I think I'm OK"

lol.

That's one strange conversation, I guess.

See, I dont know if I'm OK, either. I do not. I will not pretend to be that I'm OK when I'm not. I have stuff stepping on my toes. The problem is, I dont even know what is bothering me. It's as if all of a sudden I abandoned myself and stopped thinking about my problems and try to reconcile. I abandoned myself.
I abandoned myself.
I abandoned myself.

I do not like myself being different. I liked myself better when I was happier, and less chained. I think that my life has to go on a cycle of happiness, and numbness and then sadness and so on. It goes on like this forever, and it pains me to realize that I never learned to stope that cycle.
I dont know how to stop myself from being down.
I dont know how to.
I dont know if I can.

Part of the reason why I am not happy is that not only I abandoned me, people also abandoned me. People gave up on me. I have this stupid silly feeling of having people not caring whether the hell I am alive or dead. I mean, not to that extent but, not caring enough about my emotional well-being. They never had to think about it, because I was almost always strong enough to survive these things, and really fast, too. People think I'm strong, and that's why they leave me to deal with my own problems...even though i never claimed to be strong.
I never claimed to be strong.

There's a point of writing this, it makes me feel better.