More than 100 strange things that you pass by every day, and never notice.

Today I went with a couple of friends to a shop I like to buy candles. I was buying a kind that doesn't last very long. K, Well it's not like you're going to use it anyway, right, it's decoration. Me, I use them, I use every single one of them. I hate electricity, it's an ugly-ass invention, except I love it because I love my computer. lol.
He said I was sentimental, which in fact I am. It's funny that now when I think about it, when I light my candles at night in my room, I never remember that outside my room everyone is using light-bulbs! It's strange. In my room with candles, nothing outside my room really exists, they're shadows. I'm not sentimental, but the candles give my room a surreal setting.

I was supposed to meet her. I don't know how to tell her. I don't know how to tell her that I love her, but that she can make parts of me die with her eyes, when she looks at me and she blames me. However I tried to make things better, she makes me lose my faith that I can change.
My 50 year old proff. is happy with his yellow submarine that I made him, he smiles at me when he sees me.
How come not everyone is like him, understanding of small love gestures?
Well I don't have the answer. Even worse, I doubt the existence of one, even outside of my own little stupid brain-cells.

Strange how you can love someone you exchanged a couple of words with, and hate someone you've knows for years. Strange how you can love someone you've known for years, and hate someone you exchanged a couple of words with. In fact, the strangest of all is when you compare two friends of yours, one whom you've knows for 8 months, and one you've knows for 5 years, and you find that your 8-month friendship is way warmer, and more cozy.
That's when I realize that time is shit, it's futile.

Strange how when I hold my hands together, I feel as if my left hand is feeling my right hand, and not one feeling the other. It make me doubt adequacy, if these two are so similar...

Everyday with Special K

My brother got married yesterday.
There was wind outside, it was cold.
Inside there were too many people.
I'd go outside and smoke a bit.
A voice in my head said maybe,
Maybe...someone will come outside
running away from the crowd like me
and then we can talk and things.
And I, abruptly, remember a black guy
in 2nd and Avenue C offering me sex!
I wondered if he wanted to sit and talk.
But I didn't ask him, did I... I just went on walking straight with eyes that seem to look down but are rather looking inside my
skull.

I havent been feeling well.

It rains a lot and I never know
how to respond, what to say, when not to breathe.

On the table there're things that smell of Cairo
Except that outsider-serial-box that says on it
"Everyday with Special K".

Blabbering Around

So today,
"Gogo, are you OK? You didnt seem OK today."
"Oh no, I'm OK. Why doesnt everyone say I am not OK?" silence and then she continues "Am I OK?"
"You tell me", I say.
"Oh, I think I'm OK"

lol.

That's one strange conversation, I guess.

See, I dont know if I'm OK, either. I do not. I will not pretend to be that I'm OK when I'm not. I have stuff stepping on my toes. The problem is, I dont even know what is bothering me. It's as if all of a sudden I abandoned myself and stopped thinking about my problems and try to reconcile. I abandoned myself.
I abandoned myself.
I abandoned myself.

I do not like myself being different. I liked myself better when I was happier, and less chained. I think that my life has to go on a cycle of happiness, and numbness and then sadness and so on. It goes on like this forever, and it pains me to realize that I never learned to stope that cycle.
I dont know how to stop myself from being down.
I dont know how to.
I dont know if I can.

Part of the reason why I am not happy is that not only I abandoned me, people also abandoned me. People gave up on me. I have this stupid silly feeling of having people not caring whether the hell I am alive or dead. I mean, not to that extent but, not caring enough about my emotional well-being. They never had to think about it, because I was almost always strong enough to survive these things, and really fast, too. People think I'm strong, and that's why they leave me to deal with my own problems...even though i never claimed to be strong.
I never claimed to be strong.

There's a point of writing this, it makes me feel better.

The Joy of Being Underground

Today, i discovered why popularity is a curse when I went to ForsoothSayer's blog and saw her Ramadan-hating post. OMG! 60 something comments, people almost beating the hell out of each other, angry voices! I just looked down and wished that these people never ever bump into my little humble ramadan-hating post. I realized how safe it is not to be on stage...I keep forgetting it, but now I remember it again: The higher you are, the easier it is for you to be shot. So here I am ranting all over again about my experiences and my this and my that for a very few people who actually read my post till the end. And it's how I like it- especially with my new extra cheesy national colors blog and stuff of the side lol.
The truth is, I never liked the spotlight. I could still admit I'm a coward.

Silliness of Life

One of the very main reasons why I love this blog is that it's one place where I am not required to be prfound! It's one place where I am not required to be anything, actually. I could be however silly I want. There's no risk! People who read this blog are either people who never even met me, or people who know me well enough to realize that I am silly and dorky most of the time! And, acutally, being the silly person that I am is a relief.
Days ago I went to a soft ball match, a friend was playing. All the players and even the watchers were "white people" like Gogo calls them. The thing is, (again, being the silly person that I am) I didnt know what the hell was going on. I dont understand the rules of the game or anything so the only thing i was doing was commenting on how silly this one is, or how this guy has a big butt or like, the fact that this guy looks like a pirate etc, :D
And, it was so much fun! Seriously, this was just as fun as being in a Gender and Literature class and having to think about prfound, deep ideas of gender and stuff!
Believe it or not, the ability to be silly is one of the best things in life :]