Fears

I never realized being abanadoned was one of my phobias and fears. I never realized that until today. Maybe it has to do with my father leaving the house when I was 5. My father...my father left the house.

I never realized I had a fear of people underestimating me. I realized that today, too. I realized how much for most of my life I had been underestimated. How happy I was when someone said I did something well, or well enough. Something I think I am good at. My father, again.

I never realized that I had a fear of dying, or leaving without having given enough. I realized that today! I realized that I feel guilty when I know there was something I could have done to make something better and I didn't. I dont know who gave me that.

I never realized I had a fear of fitting in, and being left out. I never realized that I have both of these fears at the same time. Fitting in feels as if it's a lie, and being left out feels cold, estranged. Now that's because of my mother, because she's both at the same time, sadly.

I always knew I had fears that I do not know of. It's good to realize them. Now that all these nightmares are coming true, I can realize that I had them in the first place.