Sometimes

Very few time in my life did I tell myself this "Oh, wow, look at me, I am pathetic and I am all alone. No one will help me". Actually, only once. In that one time, I decided that my way IS the highway. I decided that the face I am sad is all my fault, and that I am going to change it.

Well, I thought this time had passed. Life surprises me, all full of surprises. It's so strange how idiotic I turn out to be each single time. Sometimes, I try not to learn if learning will make me not trust people, and so I realize that I am an idiote because I fell for the same thing for the second time. This is my second time to fully-comprehend that no one will run after me if they know I am heart. No one will try to hug me again if I pushed them away. It makes me realize how naiive i am about the world, how young and easily-heart.

Last time I did it, I didnt care about people so much. This time I care about people a lot. Last time I had no friends, this time I do.

I always thought of suicidal as a remantic thing, it's so dramatic, and so "forever". I always smile when I think of people's reaction to my death.
Shehab will not cry, shehab will run his hand on his face and decide not to come to my funeral.
My father will not cry, he will laugh remembering me doing the silliest things.
My mother will cry because I died before she did.
Leila will cry because she will never see me again.
Nada will not know that I died, they'll tell her I left the country.

All people whom I call friend or who call me friends will/will not cry depending on their belief system and sadness-management.

Fouad will cry because he thinks I am the only one who will ever love him.
He who shall not be named will not cry because he knows he will always remember a little detail about me in his heart.

Now, thinking of everyone's reaction to my death makes ME tear because only I know how much I love life in all its forms.

My stomache hurts because I havent eaten is so long. My throat hurts because I'd like to cry and be a drama queen but somehow I cant seem to be able to do it and the rest of my body hurts because the yoga was too hard on someone who hasnt exercised in ages.

Isnt it strange that the more you give people the less they realize it? OK, it IS strange. Oh my god, I'm being such a drama queen. What the hell am I supposed to do when my life turns into drama? pretend that everything is OK and live with it? No idea.