Blog-writing position, amazing dinner'y feelings with myself and my new expensive shoes*

*and by expensive I mean 200 pounds.

With my crying fits coming back, and my new shoes giving me new and long-lost meanings of comfortable, I find myself resorting to same old blog-writing position with candles and imaginary listeners that live inside the lab-tob.

So, crying fits. I first had those when I started feeling so humiliated in my acting class, thought it might be the stress that was covering me as a blanket, a 2 week old baby.
Not sure why.
General feelings of choki'ness and not being able to speak. Sometimes it feels as if I have to ask for what I want for a very long time, in a very insistent manner before I get it when someone else will get it only when others offer it. I must have begged my dad to get me a laptop for at least a year before he got me one. I was in my third year of college. My 10 year old sister just got a much better one.
I never had a ROOM when i was 10. I had to ask for that.
and that's such a small thing that keeps to stretch and form this "recurrent themes in drama" kind of pattern over me. Wanting, fighting. More wanting, more fighting. I get sick of it very quickly (the pattern) but I can't stop myself from asking for what i want. It's an old habit I think I might be a little too old to kick.

Maybe it's the shoes in their comfort. they somehow question my whole idea of comfort and make me doubt if i ever had something that was so comfortable that I thought was so comfortable.

And maybe it's the stress drawn in stress-lines over my parents' faces as they get old. It scares me. Somehow I wished i could be twenty when they were forty. I understand, though. I am not feeling the "having a kid", either.

Today i was thinking if there were a better arrangement. Like, why does time work in such a way that the older we grow, the older they get? Couldn't logic work any other way? A less painful one perhaps?

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So next semester I have to take these science classes I've been putting off since forever and ever. We meet again, science, I had never missed you. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse *boom*.

We meet again, me and science. Once friends and maybe lovers but a very long lost relationship I never mourned or thought about mourning.
I have to think about molecules again, it hurts my brain-cells just remembering the pictures in my advanced biology textbook. I wish i could take calculus as a substitute but they don't seem to believe in the importance of logic so much as awareness where I am doing my degree.

My university years have passes by so quickly, it makes me doubt theories of time as a dimension altogether. I am old enough to be a graduate but I'm an over-roasted coffee-bean and it still feels fun. I can take one more year, it's almost soothing.

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The funniest thing ever is listening to Nile FM thing, something i haven't done since they started the ads, and listening to ads that say that "this is exactly what you need/want". It makes me laugh because it's seeming to take my friend a life-time to know and they have it all in a pill on the radio. Marketing is not as creative as I thought it were.

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There's an at least, I have a very pillow'y friend who cries more, and a very very comfortable shoulder that is as warm as the eye of the storm in that "The Tempest" expressionist painting and it feels so good. In the middle of the storm there's a shoulder that is most comfortable.

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Apologies, dearest virtual readers, I know that this was once a blog that was once a strange kind of food for thought and now looks like a garbage bin.