An e-mail i sent to a friend.

So, I just took off my big orange watch that you've never seen because Layla merat shehab gave it to me after you were already gone.

I hate distance.
I wish I could come over and hug you, or have beer. silently.

I don't know why the things that happen to you happen to you :D
It's a funny thought. I know you might not think it's funny.
I read your livejournal thing. I check it every once in a while and I saw the post and I automatically connected it to the facebook message you sent me.

I'm sorry.
I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like things never end where you want them to end.

How are you?
Me and Sarah secretly (or not to secretly now) want to send Josh hate mail/strangle him. But I guess if we had the chance to be where you are now we would forget about that and just go the three of us and have coffee and eat at Omm Dahab.
We might go there tomorrow.
And maybe we'll go there next year with you.
We'll go next year with you :] I like it that way better.

Winter is inspiring.
Lately I've been hating what winter does to people. The loneliness (always hated that word), the wanting warmth and to be with somebody else.

Me and Fouad are fighting because I don't want to drag him around anymore. I wish I could let go and make him make decisions for me. I never wanted to have the balls, never knew why people thought I was happy with them.
It's also strange how me and fouad always grow apart also in the winter.
We broke up last time before the winter and now it's winter. And last year I had this thought when I was between consciousness and sleep that I should have broken up with him after winter was over because winter wasn't easy to survive alone, which seemed, at that time, worse than bad company.

His mother and his brother are here now. His brother makes his laugh a little less special :]
I still love him.


Sarah is sad because there was this one time we were walking in Falaki caff and I said, casually, "I don't know what I"m gonna do after this play ends". I work like a dog now. She thought I was saying that my life sucked before, and it will suck after. No one is too happy about me being busy except myself, maybe.
I have no time to feel sorry for myself, to hate myself, to know myself- sometimes.

I don't write as often, and I don't laugh as often. Mainly, because there's a lot more to laugh about!
I'm always too tired to feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life even though I still feel that way. But because time is so abstract when you're busy, you can't feel it enough for you to begin.

My winters have always been broken.
You know something funny, I'm always on the verge of tears these days I mean. I could cry right now. I really could. I'm starting to tear up. The funny thing is , I don't know why.

I just feel like there's this piece of chilli pepper that's stuck in my throat all the time. A few days ago an officer stopped me and I really did cry because he busted me driving while talking on the phone. That was the time I told you that I need to hang up. And then I cried.
And, I'm crying now.

And, I could go to any bathroom and cry. I never used to be like that. There's a sad realization that I made a few weeks ago, I'm so violent that I don't know where it should all go, the energy, when I'm alone.
Maybe I'm just tired.

I am.
I don't seem to be able to stop it from happening either. My acting classes are not helping, either, they're making me more psychologically confused.
But hey,
it's me.

All for now.

Lala

To be.

To be on stage, is to forget that you're on stage. To truly be there with all your senses, you have to forget that there's a stage, and live inside yourself.

You have to only recognize who you are, and interact with others as who you identify them as. To live on stage, is to remember that you're there, and only there.

I cried on stage, and I was so ashamed, being the character, and being myself...

on so many things

So many things.
Like, how people can be misunderstood.
like, realizing that you really do NOT know everything. not only realizing it, rather feeling it, knowing it with all your senses.

When the street is empty even though it's not 6AM, and it's not 3 AM, either. Sun, and serenity ant the same time.

Precious moments. Really.

When you realize that you're not ugly. You're even beautiful, and you appreciate how beautiful you are. You satisfy yourself. You did everything to be here, and now you're getting Here.

Pretty comes from here.
From now.

I love god, I really do. I rediscover him every day.
Never politicize god. Because god is bigger than getting into these endless wounds.

God is hope. :)

You know that you're busy when...

you hardly have time to realize that you're busy.

together but not alone.

A friend asked me what the worst feeling in the world is. I told her it was regret. Regret is one feeling I didn't experience a lot but I'm pretty sure it's the worst feeling ever for me.

She told me hers was loneliness, another feeling I haven't experienced a lot, because I always found ways out of loneliness. When I was alone, I was happy with it being a choice. I knew how to do things alone, to walk downtown alone, to smoke in a cafe alone. And it was good.

The worst loneliness is loneliness with people being there to actually witness it, and not making it any less.

The opposite would, naturally, be good company. And one you have that, it makes you warm for the whole winter season. Friends that you consider family, a partner that you can always be comfortably silent with. Once you have these, you know you'll survive.

You know you will have lost the energy to do things alone, but you know that you have better company than yourself.