Misunderstood.

Lately I have been feeling...
Neglected
Misunderstood
Lost
Undecided
Unattended
Exhausted and overused

It led me to feel...
Something small inside me is dying with which
My desire to live became weaker.

I have made a few interesting observations...

My stomach turns when I scream, and usually also a cold comes with it the next day and a soar throat- smoking can make it worse. I smoked 3 cigarettes yesterday.

No one is a smoker because no one is born a smoker. I was never a smoker, I just chose to smoke one cigarette after the other, and sometimes I forgot I had a choice is smoking it!

Living itself is much harder than wanting to die but dying itself is harder than wanting to live.

Living
Dying
Wanting to live
Wanting to die.

If I don't stop depending on people I will want to die more often, just as often as they will push me to want to live.

If you can't cry, no one will believe that you are in pain.
If you can't beg, no one will believe that you really need it.
If you can't be cute, no one will believe that you can be too shy to ask.

If you're comfortable, you will be mistaken for confident.

If we can sum all of those up into an equation, we will realize that one that fits the profile of those inabilities is most dysfunctional. I never thought it was that clear. Or maybe it wasn't clear and that's why it took time for me to understand!!

I wish there could be this state where someone could hibernate...not be alive and not be dead -- as if asleep for as long as they time their heads!


Here's to Nina Simone and the Melancholy:-

Misunderstood (Nina Simone's version)

Baby you understand me now
If sometimes you see I'm mad
Doncha know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong you see some bad

Well I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Ya know sometimes baby I'm so carefree
With a joy thats hard to hide
Then sometimes it seems again that all I have is worry
And then you burn to see my other side

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy
I want you to know
I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems
And I get more than my share
But thats me one thing I never mean to do

Cos I love you
Oh baby
I'm just human
Don't you know I have faults like anyone?

Sometimes I find myself alone regretting
Some little fooling thing
Some simple thing that I've done

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I try so hard
So don't let me be misunderstood

Sometimes

Very few time in my life did I tell myself this "Oh, wow, look at me, I am pathetic and I am all alone. No one will help me". Actually, only once. In that one time, I decided that my way IS the highway. I decided that the face I am sad is all my fault, and that I am going to change it.

Well, I thought this time had passed. Life surprises me, all full of surprises. It's so strange how idiotic I turn out to be each single time. Sometimes, I try not to learn if learning will make me not trust people, and so I realize that I am an idiote because I fell for the same thing for the second time. This is my second time to fully-comprehend that no one will run after me if they know I am heart. No one will try to hug me again if I pushed them away. It makes me realize how naiive i am about the world, how young and easily-heart.

Last time I did it, I didnt care about people so much. This time I care about people a lot. Last time I had no friends, this time I do.

I always thought of suicidal as a remantic thing, it's so dramatic, and so "forever". I always smile when I think of people's reaction to my death.
Shehab will not cry, shehab will run his hand on his face and decide not to come to my funeral.
My father will not cry, he will laugh remembering me doing the silliest things.
My mother will cry because I died before she did.
Leila will cry because she will never see me again.
Nada will not know that I died, they'll tell her I left the country.

All people whom I call friend or who call me friends will/will not cry depending on their belief system and sadness-management.

Fouad will cry because he thinks I am the only one who will ever love him.
He who shall not be named will not cry because he knows he will always remember a little detail about me in his heart.

Now, thinking of everyone's reaction to my death makes ME tear because only I know how much I love life in all its forms.

My stomache hurts because I havent eaten is so long. My throat hurts because I'd like to cry and be a drama queen but somehow I cant seem to be able to do it and the rest of my body hurts because the yoga was too hard on someone who hasnt exercised in ages.

Isnt it strange that the more you give people the less they realize it? OK, it IS strange. Oh my god, I'm being such a drama queen. What the hell am I supposed to do when my life turns into drama? pretend that everything is OK and live with it? No idea.