طريق اللي يروح وهيفضل دايماً عايز يرجع

A good friend of mine says that Oedipus, in his own production of it, would be wearing a shirt that says "I killed my father, I married my mother". In an equally fatal and cynical sense, this blog is a shirt that spells my fate on it!

I AM leaving. I've always obsessed about leaving, not wanting to leave. Being scared to leave and come back. Thinking that leaving will always be a dream that I'm never going to fulfill because I'm too scared, too safe, too in love with my home.

I'm leaving. For good. Leaving this place with everything I love about it, everything I hate about it as well.
Even now, that I'm still not gone, I'm already looking forward to coming back. Just knowing that I'm leaving for good makes me miss all those places, those smells. Downtown, and home, and my street, and my car (that my family will probably be selling - the car that I learned how to drive on, my only reference to driving). and it forces me to grow.

Cooking Life

I am alive.
I'm alive to the point that I make life. I create life.
I cook life!
And it's all really quite beautiful is the most sickening ways. And I love it because I still don't know why I love it.
Hoping that I will love it and will never know why I love it.

Slowly but surely I can take a bite from the apple of all desires and then throw away the rest of the apple or have it stolen from me by stronger forces whose light so big it blinds my eyes.
But the bite is O.K for now.
and another bite will be there later when I need it, hopefully.

Everything is changing and I am not the same

Everything is changing and I am not the same.

you'd be proud if you could say that you change when you want to and how you want to.
you'd be even more proud if you could say that you always change for the better.

everything is changing not because I cut all my hair off, or because I keep saying the same boy with dreamy eyes in places

everything is changing not because the one I love might never come back

everything is changing not because I have to go to a place I hardly know EVERY DAY

everything is changing not because the weather is strange or because I have allergy.

everything is changing because you don't choose friends, they choose you.
and you are less able
and less strong
and every decision you make is less meaningful as a decision because most of it was depending on space and time. the here and now.

and all those people you thought were most human turned out to be only actors.

everything was changing before all of these things happened, these things are but witnesses of that change, and enforcements.


and then there's the occasional sticker on the planner, and my cat sleeping in the bathroom because the floor is cool there. things that will make you smile when you don't want to. and I love those things.

And what's left is a red journal, a beret that I absolutely love, shades, books, occasional moments with those whom you feel are there once you think about them.