Forgiving

Forgiving. Or not. Forgetting, or not. When does forgiving stop being a virtue and start being a disease? When does it become addictive and destructive?
If someone slaps you, and you let them slap you on the other side, they might learn from it...from the fact that they had been mean to you and that you were good to them. But what if someone slaps you on one side and you let them slap you on the other one...so, they slap really hard it breaks your neck?
Forgivingness, and too much forgivingness...where do you draw the line?

And the questions IS:

Today I just watched this movie about a guy who works as a reporter in a newspaper. The guy fabricated over half of the articles he wrote there, they were funny and people didnt pay attention to the fact that these stories might not be at all real. He then got fired when he was caught and wrote a novel. He probably realized that fiction is only appreciated in certain places. The movie is called Shattered Glass.
Now the question is this: How much does the truth really matter?
The question is this: How much truth is from the heart, and how much fiction is from the heart?
If fiction is from the heart, it is the creation of imagination, imagination is the creation of impossibilities, the dreams, the fantacies. Imagination is what we want, not what actually happened. The question is: For what extent do we tolerate stories from the heart?

Bullshit.

Why cant we do that? Free ourselves of others' reactions? Free ourselves of ourselves? Why cant be exist without the consequences? Why cant we forget the cause/effect equation?

Why cant we free ourselves of the cases? The beliefs? The belongings and be? Just be? The infinite existing is exsiting with no limit to why and where and how. What if the strongest form of existence is when it's the only thing that matters? Why is survival considered settling? Survival because living is too hard is settling, but survival because it's simplest, is that settling, too?

I am cheesy and dorky and even "cheap" sometimes because I ask vague questions. I realized that. I realized that I am as unoriginal as manufactured cubes of plastic. The funny thing is, that doesnt even bother me. I like original people, I like genuine people but I survive not being genuine. I wish I could be as unoriginal as passing by unnoticed, sometimes.

I was thinking...the less original you are, the more people that love you actually love you. Because, if you are genuine, people have a reason to love you but if you are lame, people love you because you exist and that is the purest form of love. Jazz calls that "unconditional love"...loving someone not based on what they do for you, or what qualities they have, but because they exist and because you love them. It's as if love is a vicious circle in the sense that you love them because you love them. Now I ask myself this: do I know unconditional love? Did i ever experience unconditional love? I know there are people that I love no matter what they do. Only if they kill me will I stop loving them because then, I will stop existing! No matter what they do, I will love them. Now that thought troubles me because I dont know if someone feels this way for me. People require me to be a certain person in order to be loved...

The thought is .. yah.

نعود لنتذكر

أنا و أنت...
نعود، في بعض الأحيان
لنتذكر، سويا
صفحات الكتاب المتربة في حنين
و نذكر واحدا الآخر
بالصفحات المقلوعة و المنسية.
رومانسية القصص التى انتهت
و الأحلام التى قد ذابت
فى دماء يدين فارغتين.

15 يوليو 06

Everything.

Today i walked into my sister's room. Everything was in place, it felt so human. I remembered my room in a flash. It looks like a trashcan :D I concluded something about myself today. It's that I want everything. I want my camera, I want my bass, I want my pictures, I want my paints, I want my makeup, my earrings. I want everything. I never throw anything away, ever. Things make me alive but they also drown me. I feel drowned in my room. I know there must be things out there that I can get rid of, but I never spent the time to think what *exactly* I want to throw away. So I keep everything, and I keep a noisy room.

I want everything in there, and it makes everything not want me.

I need shoes, too. And I want contact lenses. I want a new skirt because I feel weird. Whenever I feel weird i get a skirt...I dont know why, but I do it!

Gogo gave me a photoalbum for my birthday. Now I am starting to use it. Decided to make it my favourite memories photoalbum. I will put pictures of everyone that meant anything to me. (At least the ones I have pictures of!).

I decided that i will listen to "Who Wears These Shoes" by Elton John more often. It makes me feel really good! It has this beat. That's the thing about Elton John, he has the beat...
I have been watching too much Ally McBeal- yes, it's true! I like this series a LOT lol. I know it's crazy, i was never for TV or TVseries but I like it. Just like I love Sex and the City.

Nuweibaa was so kool. We went me and Sarah. This time was very different. It made me understand Sarah much better, actually. I want to go back there in the winter.