Sometimes

Very few time in my life did I tell myself this "Oh, wow, look at me, I am pathetic and I am all alone. No one will help me". Actually, only once. In that one time, I decided that my way IS the highway. I decided that the face I am sad is all my fault, and that I am going to change it.

Well, I thought this time had passed. Life surprises me, all full of surprises. It's so strange how idiotic I turn out to be each single time. Sometimes, I try not to learn if learning will make me not trust people, and so I realize that I am an idiote because I fell for the same thing for the second time. This is my second time to fully-comprehend that no one will run after me if they know I am heart. No one will try to hug me again if I pushed them away. It makes me realize how naiive i am about the world, how young and easily-heart.

Last time I did it, I didnt care about people so much. This time I care about people a lot. Last time I had no friends, this time I do.

I always thought of suicidal as a remantic thing, it's so dramatic, and so "forever". I always smile when I think of people's reaction to my death.
Shehab will not cry, shehab will run his hand on his face and decide not to come to my funeral.
My father will not cry, he will laugh remembering me doing the silliest things.
My mother will cry because I died before she did.
Leila will cry because she will never see me again.
Nada will not know that I died, they'll tell her I left the country.

All people whom I call friend or who call me friends will/will not cry depending on their belief system and sadness-management.

Fouad will cry because he thinks I am the only one who will ever love him.
He who shall not be named will not cry because he knows he will always remember a little detail about me in his heart.

Now, thinking of everyone's reaction to my death makes ME tear because only I know how much I love life in all its forms.

My stomache hurts because I havent eaten is so long. My throat hurts because I'd like to cry and be a drama queen but somehow I cant seem to be able to do it and the rest of my body hurts because the yoga was too hard on someone who hasnt exercised in ages.

Isnt it strange that the more you give people the less they realize it? OK, it IS strange. Oh my god, I'm being such a drama queen. What the hell am I supposed to do when my life turns into drama? pretend that everything is OK and live with it? No idea.

Recognition of Stereotypes.

One of the reasons why I never read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is because I think it's stereotyping. Two of the married couples I know, though, the man blames the woman for everything. And thinks that she has a hand in the problem, whatever the problem is. Here's a thought; do stereotypes about men and women come from an extent of truth? Do men and women act according to these rules that were made based on other men and women, or were the rules made on the behavior of Everyman and Everywoman?

An Inquiry on Egyptian Nationalism.

It's sad to be this country. Not much people love it. And even fewer people love it for its existence away from the rationalization of how it it.
People hate this country for everything they see in it, and blame it for everything they have to do. Blame Egypt for sexual harassement, blame Egypt for the poverty, and the corruption...blame it for everything.
Egypt is tired. Egypt has been going through changes none-stop since Alexander, or maybe even before that. Not one century was left for it to breathe in and out without wars, and troubles. How can we blame such a country?
Why do we never blame ourselves for what happens to us. See, I am not talking "start with yourself" adversitement bullcrap, I'm talking obvious things, we never teach our children to respect any form of "otherness", why do we blame Egypt, then, for being cruel on the minorities of all types?
My sense of belonging is threatened every single day, in every single way there is.
The way people look at me in the subway like an alien, the way students in my university dont give a shit about people with the injustice when it comes to financial and social standards. The way no one gives a shit except about their own holiday time and their new nail polish colors.
It threatens my idea of Egypt, and being Egyptian. Maybe I live in a dream world, maybe people dont want to be egyptian anymore...it's unkool to be egyptian, we want to be German this week, or whatever.
People ask, why do you love egypt, instead of asking themselves why they hate the very country that held them till they were old enough to think by themselves.
When I say that I love this country, that it's home, people tell me it's because I dont know this country. They claim it's because I live in a bubble, well I dont. My mother works with working children from the age of 5. I know what injustice brings upon the people of this country, but if I don't love it, I will never be bothered to try and change the very little things, the details of life.
People find it strange that I say that this is home. They find it strange because I look like an alien if put in a group of egyptian girls in their early twenties, I would stand out. I do not fit in.
I dont fit it, but I belong.

Home is where the hurt is. And that's not even me, that's U2.

What do YOU know?

Monologue:
"Can I be honest? I have no idea what I'm doing here(pause)it's like that line from paradise lost "Did I request thee, maker, from my clay to mould me a (pause)sixteen year old transvestite living in the Bronx? Bronx Bronx, Bra's, man. They're in your face all the time. There're the hawaiian coconut ones, and the pointy madonna ones. That's not right, that's not right. And yet they have the nerve to look at me in my perfectly acceptable, conservative, catholic school uniform and judge, and point, and whisper: (pause) Sex. Sexual preference. Gender. What do you know? What do you know?"

This monologue was written and performed by Gogo, my dearest friend :D

I Shall Be Relieved

It will never get better till I make it so, or so I realized. I can get lost in the life I lead, or I can stop and think about it so I figure out a way to enjoy my stay better. And i say stay because I know even though one thinks one will be staying here for 60 years, they have all the time to think about the way their lives will turn, they dont. Time passes by quickly, ask me about that.
I have all I need. I have few people I can talk to, feel familiar around, I have a family that can undrstand a lot of me, I have me.
All I need.

Lovely.

P.S for readers, Yah, I too think that this is a diary of someone turning insane. lol