I've been thinking about city life. and city people.

What defines as a real city person.
Some people are in the city for merely practical reasons. They live here, the go to school here. It doesn't mean they actually want to be here.

It makes me smile inside when someone says that everyone wants to be somewhere else because I feel like they're missing out on the city.
They don't know how it's like to genuinely like streets, check-points, passports, ID cards - how it's like to own up to that kind of life and connect to the architecture like someone connected to the sea.

طريق اللي يروح وهيفضل دايماً عايز يرجع

A good friend of mine says that Oedipus, in his own production of it, would be wearing a shirt that says "I killed my father, I married my mother". In an equally fatal and cynical sense, this blog is a shirt that spells my fate on it!

I AM leaving. I've always obsessed about leaving, not wanting to leave. Being scared to leave and come back. Thinking that leaving will always be a dream that I'm never going to fulfill because I'm too scared, too safe, too in love with my home.

I'm leaving. For good. Leaving this place with everything I love about it, everything I hate about it as well.
Even now, that I'm still not gone, I'm already looking forward to coming back. Just knowing that I'm leaving for good makes me miss all those places, those smells. Downtown, and home, and my street, and my car (that my family will probably be selling - the car that I learned how to drive on, my only reference to driving). and it forces me to grow.

This is how

rock-bottom looks like.

I don't know what I can save you from - take 3

Or save myself.
or save.
anything.

In fact, as i crawl slowly into my death instinct (cynically and not) i find out that i live for days waiting for a moment and it passes in the exact same time it takes me to realize that that was it!
It's like listening to someone learning how to play the guitar and suddenly Jeff Buckley plays Hallelujah. As cheesy as that last one may sound at times.

The something divine that manifests itself through a number of moments like
when you're so drunk and your dancing partner does the exact move you thought they would - and they know that you know
or
or when you feel like there's a laugh stuck in your throat, you never seem to laugh it out.
and when you wake up in the morning with a headache and you remember something and you're surprised that you remember it.

or the moment you realize something grew on you and the moment is the fine line between you falling in love with it and getting used to loving it.

I don't know what I can save you from - take 2

My friend says that love can change people into their ideal selves, it can save them.
I don't know if that's true. If it is, then I might have failed to love - or love enough.
I think the highest stage of love is when you accept people's true colors even if the true color is black.
And i really wish i could do better but i can't because i had something that seemed to endless but i spilled it on someone and then i couldn't find any more of it in me to give it to someone else in need of it.
and, i don't live for people. If i live for someone it's for one person and it's not because he lives for me...it just so happens that i fall back in love with him when i found out that i had so much more of that thing that i spilled all reserved for him alone and no one else.

And it's because i have no more of that thing to give that i am disappointed now. i am ready to make the same mistakes again, trust and love and give but i just can't do it.
I can give only knowing it will be returned so i don't hunger for it. and i hunger for it every day.

It's as if I can only spend what he gives me and he has so much more of it and if he stops giving i'll only survive.

and it's as if I can't forgive.
and it's as if I can forgive with limits, knowing I'm not being a fool waiting for the second slap.
or even waiting for the second slap out of love.


i have definitely lost something in the way. i have lost a certain fuel and only one person fills it back.