Bullshit.

Why cant we do that? Free ourselves of others' reactions? Free ourselves of ourselves? Why cant be exist without the consequences? Why cant we forget the cause/effect equation?

Why cant we free ourselves of the cases? The beliefs? The belongings and be? Just be? The infinite existing is exsiting with no limit to why and where and how. What if the strongest form of existence is when it's the only thing that matters? Why is survival considered settling? Survival because living is too hard is settling, but survival because it's simplest, is that settling, too?

I am cheesy and dorky and even "cheap" sometimes because I ask vague questions. I realized that. I realized that I am as unoriginal as manufactured cubes of plastic. The funny thing is, that doesnt even bother me. I like original people, I like genuine people but I survive not being genuine. I wish I could be as unoriginal as passing by unnoticed, sometimes.

I was thinking...the less original you are, the more people that love you actually love you. Because, if you are genuine, people have a reason to love you but if you are lame, people love you because you exist and that is the purest form of love. Jazz calls that "unconditional love"...loving someone not based on what they do for you, or what qualities they have, but because they exist and because you love them. It's as if love is a vicious circle in the sense that you love them because you love them. Now I ask myself this: do I know unconditional love? Did i ever experience unconditional love? I know there are people that I love no matter what they do. Only if they kill me will I stop loving them because then, I will stop existing! No matter what they do, I will love them. Now that thought troubles me because I dont know if someone feels this way for me. People require me to be a certain person in order to be loved...

The thought is .. yah.

نعود لنتذكر

أنا و أنت...
نعود، في بعض الأحيان
لنتذكر، سويا
صفحات الكتاب المتربة في حنين
و نذكر واحدا الآخر
بالصفحات المقلوعة و المنسية.
رومانسية القصص التى انتهت
و الأحلام التى قد ذابت
فى دماء يدين فارغتين.

15 يوليو 06

Everything.

Today i walked into my sister's room. Everything was in place, it felt so human. I remembered my room in a flash. It looks like a trashcan :D I concluded something about myself today. It's that I want everything. I want my camera, I want my bass, I want my pictures, I want my paints, I want my makeup, my earrings. I want everything. I never throw anything away, ever. Things make me alive but they also drown me. I feel drowned in my room. I know there must be things out there that I can get rid of, but I never spent the time to think what *exactly* I want to throw away. So I keep everything, and I keep a noisy room.

I want everything in there, and it makes everything not want me.

I need shoes, too. And I want contact lenses. I want a new skirt because I feel weird. Whenever I feel weird i get a skirt...I dont know why, but I do it!

Gogo gave me a photoalbum for my birthday. Now I am starting to use it. Decided to make it my favourite memories photoalbum. I will put pictures of everyone that meant anything to me. (At least the ones I have pictures of!).

I decided that i will listen to "Who Wears These Shoes" by Elton John more often. It makes me feel really good! It has this beat. That's the thing about Elton John, he has the beat...
I have been watching too much Ally McBeal- yes, it's true! I like this series a LOT lol. I know it's crazy, i was never for TV or TVseries but I like it. Just like I love Sex and the City.

Nuweibaa was so kool. We went me and Sarah. This time was very different. It made me understand Sarah much better, actually. I want to go back there in the winter.

That's IT.

I understand when someone says they can love two people at the same time. I totally understand. I love two people at the same time, each in a different horizon. It's not even funny anymore.

I have to say:
I have lived. I really have. So many things I wanted to do, I never did. So many things I wanted to do I did. Does that mean that I have lived?

Maybe I dont believe in love anymore. They say that a heart only has space for one person. It's a one man list. Mehh. I dont get it.

There's such a thin limit between frienship and love. Why does love exist to begin with? How do you know love exists?
On what basis? In which way and why?

When there are too many thoughts, all at once. They collide and make this one ugly sound like a burp or something. Something completely pointless and meaningless. There's no point of getting them all out.

Oh, I have so many years to live. I have to survive so much unknown. It must be much easier to die. I mean, in a heartbeat, in a bomb, in some ugly shit sinking (not that, I like the sea a bit too much to die in it). But, there has to be so many choices.

One choice.
One choice can ruin my whole life. How can that even make any sense? How can regret make sense? How can..umm. OK.

Should I survive with "I dont know if I love you, but I will know" or should I give up? Should I give up? Is the best choice what appears to be the best option? Why do options even exist.

I have TOO much free time. too much free time makes me go insane. Too much free time is what makes anyone insane because they think too much it makes them go in loops of thought or memory, that's when it becomes LEAST fun. :D

That's it.

A poem I wrote..in arabic.

الحلم

لم تعد تتبسم فى وجه الأشياء الصغيرة.
و لم تعد الأشياء تشحذ منها الابتسامة،
فقد ماتت علاقتهما
حين مات فى عينيها
بريق الحلم.

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كانت تنادى الزهرات بأسمائهن
و الطيور، و الأصوات.
تسخر منها النسمات، ثم تعود
لتداعب الاحساس،
العائش على رموش عينيها.
كانت تغنى...فتنصت الأشياء.
حفيف الأوراق صوت الأوراق
و هى تحاول اللحاق بكلمات أغنيتها
المتراقصات على النسمات.
احتل احساسها حب الأشياء
فخافها الخوف،
و نفرت منها الحقائق الخانقة،
حانقة.

--------------------------------
و لكن،
تسرب إلى قفصها نبضات حب الأشخاص،
فحلمت بهم، و جهلوا اسمها.
الحلم مات.و أما حب الأشياء
فقد غرق
شيئاً فشيئاً.