Pathetic

It all started 3 weeks ago maybe, when I started noticing other people judging me!
It makes me laugh so hard when people give me the "you're pathetic look".
Different people give it to me for different reasons. Some people look at my bag or my shoes and think *you're not wearing gucci, you're so pathetic*
Other people are like *you didn't do your work on time, you're so pathetic*
A different kind buzz *your best friend ignores you, you're so pathetic* - people give me those looks on a daily basis. It makes me laugh so hard because the things that other people think are pathetic are the best things that ever happened to me, or me at my best!
The other day I was telling my friend how funny it is to me!

Conversation w/ my dad
-"Do you want anything from here"
*"No, thank you, see you soon"
-"bye"
*"bye"

I forgot something, i call him back
-"I forgot something, I DO want something"
*"what?"
-"those weird paper thingies you put over light bulbs and they can be a certain color"
*"oh yah"
-"I want 2 of those for my new apt"
*"I'll get them, promise"
-"thanks baba, bye"

After that conversation, I slept and I had a dream that I was on a train and I didn't have luggage and I was going somewhere. I didn't have luggage and I didn't lose luggage, I didn't NEED luggage.
It was so funny how I didn't need anything.

Last week I got so drunk w/ my friends. We were drinking "to commitment", and it was so much fun. It made me laugh inside how pathetic we must have looked. Me, and my friends celebrating my engagement WITHOUT my fiance!

I need to go to the gym, cut down on smoking, do a lot of work but I'M STILL RELAXED ABOUT IT! lol.

I'm pathetic and it's funny because I'm so pathetically happy!
(it's almost nauseating)

More than 100 strange things that you pass by every day, and never notice.

Today I went with a couple of friends to a shop I like to buy candles. I was buying a kind that doesn't last very long. K, Well it's not like you're going to use it anyway, right, it's decoration. Me, I use them, I use every single one of them. I hate electricity, it's an ugly-ass invention, except I love it because I love my computer. lol.
He said I was sentimental, which in fact I am. It's funny that now when I think about it, when I light my candles at night in my room, I never remember that outside my room everyone is using light-bulbs! It's strange. In my room with candles, nothing outside my room really exists, they're shadows. I'm not sentimental, but the candles give my room a surreal setting.

I was supposed to meet her. I don't know how to tell her. I don't know how to tell her that I love her, but that she can make parts of me die with her eyes, when she looks at me and she blames me. However I tried to make things better, she makes me lose my faith that I can change.
My 50 year old proff. is happy with his yellow submarine that I made him, he smiles at me when he sees me.
How come not everyone is like him, understanding of small love gestures?
Well I don't have the answer. Even worse, I doubt the existence of one, even outside of my own little stupid brain-cells.

Strange how you can love someone you exchanged a couple of words with, and hate someone you've knows for years. Strange how you can love someone you've known for years, and hate someone you exchanged a couple of words with. In fact, the strangest of all is when you compare two friends of yours, one whom you've knows for 8 months, and one you've knows for 5 years, and you find that your 8-month friendship is way warmer, and more cozy.
That's when I realize that time is shit, it's futile.

Strange how when I hold my hands together, I feel as if my left hand is feeling my right hand, and not one feeling the other. It make me doubt adequacy, if these two are so similar...

Politics and Whatnot

This is the first time in the history of this blog that I add a blog related to politics in my blog-roll.

The reason why I never did it before is because I dislike propaganda, and politics and people involved in it have always sounded like propaganda bullshitters to me.
I mean, I sure care about Abdel Kareem who's going to be imprisoned for saying what he wants to say when/where he wants to say it. I just never had anything to add to the incident, nothing of what I was going to say would have been important, or a valuable an addition, simply because I have never put myself/belonged to any of the living political parties/ movements.

Today I add this blog to the blog-roll because the existence of the owner of this blog is living evidence that things are not always what they seem from a distance. I might not agree with what people who belong to Kefaya have to say but I support their right to say it.
I guess I'm a new sharkawy reader.

V-Day

I always hated valentine's day, even when I was most in love. Love is to celebrated every single day it lives, not once a year. Or, if I don't have it, I shouldn't celebrate that day.
V. for vagina, and V for violence.
It's strange the one of my favorite songs is "My Funny Valentine". I think one of the main reasons I love this song is that it's hopeful, but also very sad.

Yesterday was one of the most comforting days of my life, I talked to someone dear to me, and I told that person everything i ever wanted to say. I told them everything I ever wanted to say, ever, and everything I wanted to tell them, too. I know that "them" is not correct, I just don't feel like doing the whole him/her thing, and I don't feel like specifying, either.

Not often it is in life that you find this kind of freedom of speech. Almost everything is censored. Even we censor ourselves. It's sad, and it's convenient. Maybe it's sad BECAUSE it's convenient.

It was also interesting that a couple of days ago was the first time I actually got drunk, as in drunk. I started to feel that everything goes so fast, i talk to fast, cars move fast. Life is just much faster. Over all, it's a funny experience. It's not one of my favorite feelings, though.

Far from this, another thought.
I am everything and I am nothing. Saying this sounds cliche, I know. Some people are so obsessed with one thing that they become so good at it. I am obsessed with too many things at the same time. I'm good at more than once thing, and it gets heavy. It means I am not especially good at one thing, and good at nothing. It's a sad realization.

One more cup of coffee before I go.
I started working on writing the play, I am inspired by a picture I found in Sur El Azbakeyya. The character names are not yet decided. But I decided on a couple of names. The woman in the middle of the picture is going to be called Safinaz, and the funny-looking man is going to be called Safwat, just because Safwat is such a funny name to have. The other woman is going to be called Magda because she's lame and banal, even though she's very interesting. Mnehh.

I go.

More Nostalgia

I miss them. Every single one of them.
Every single person on the friends I don't see, I dont know much about now.
The list keeps getting bigger and I dont know how to prevent it. I miss my childhood friends, the ones that witnessed my being a fat 5 year-old, a skinny 13 year old who got herself a bra that makes her look like a B while she's an AA size in Austria!
I miss those who stayed over and found me asleep in the middle of their story.
I miss the ones I told everything that hurt, but smiled about it years later.
We grow far apart, but come back to the same street corners and hug.

This city makes me so nostalgic. I love it here, but I can't wait to go home, where they all are!

The Obsessions of Grown Ups

I don't think I'll ever consider myself a grown-up. Even when I'm a grown-up. I dont have the mind-set, the stability nor the responsibility of a grown-up, and I'm not working on gaining these, either.
A friend of mine thinks that he will enlighten people by talking about religion and making them realize that what they believe in is crap, using logic. I'm not sure if it's out of my laziness, or just out of my not caring enough, but I think it's a waste of good energy. Instead of talking to someone about religion for four hours, we can go do something else...something fun. Or just do something thoughtful, smoke on kobri asr el neel and take a walk in zamalek!!
People are obsessed with teaching other people, or showing that they know, or that their logic is better than others' logic.
We dont have much time here! We really dont. Today, I am one day closer to death :D Why should one waste their precious minutes on pointless things that will only cause dispute and shaking the worlds and the ground on which others' belief-system lies?
I wish I won't do that. I just wanna live life, goddamn it!
I have to focus on the living. The experiencing, the feeling. The communicating to things and people.

That 70s Life

I am strange.
I have a crush on a proffesor. It's not like he's in his 20s either, he's old. The thing is, though, how will I ever find someone with a mindset like that one who is not a 70s person.
I just so happen to be born in the wrong generation, or with a wrong mindset.
Whatever the group is, I never belong. I sometimes belong to random people on their own, never to a group. It makes me sad sometimes, even though I got used to it.
If people could be categorized;
The geeks: I am very geeky, still they are oblivious to so many things I consider facts of life.
The artists: I am always considered too "something" to be an artists...too optimistic, or too conservative, or too happy. Artists have to appreciate melancholy, something I am not good at.
The fundies and the co: obviously, I dont have what it takes.

and it goes on and on with all kind of different groups. Always too something to belong,
Never lonely, though. Sometimes alone, but never lonely.

Maybe I am too much like my parents, I feel like I belong to the 70s kids more than I belong here. I have more interesting conversations with my parents, and their friends than I have with my very own friends. It's strange.

Time machine would have helped.
Maybe at one point, I will quit the belonging idea and just start to exist around the group that is closest, if any. And maybe I will just continue having that crush on the professor for being a 70s kid, the personification of a man that does not and will not exist today. Even his son is so completely different from him, he doesnt have 1% of the imagination his father has.

Mneh.

The Fantacies

It's strange how some people's lives are all about a fantacy or a set of fantacies. I am not only talking about sexual ones, there are many other kinds. I met lots of these.

There's a man I know whose mind and thoughts circle around the forbidden fruit fantacy, sex with the mistress, away from all eyes. It's strange how nothing else will satisfy him, he will not try to enjoy anything else, either. It's as if his life is stopped till his fantacy comes true, and when it does, he continues looking for another one just like it, slightly different in the physicality maybe, but the same experience none the less.

There's a girl I know whose fantacy is to live like a monk, in the desert maybe, or the seaside. To runaway from all things that people are busy with in their every-day life. It's strange how she never wants it to come true, though. Perhaps the reason for her to want to keep it in a journal and not work for it is because it's so real in her mind that she wouldnt know how to live if she got there. Like the man, she refuses to enjoy anything not related to it, but unlike him, she doesnt want it to come true.

Now that I wrote this it makes me want to ask if I am putting my life on hold for a fantacy. And, are we all like that, except subconsciously?