The Return!

This blog has expired, in every way.
Because the one who used to write it has expired as well.
Today, friends, family, cairenes, egyptians are protesting as I write this blog and I stayed home because there's a rat in the house and I don't want him to eat my books. I'm not trying to make a metaphor, there really is a rat in my house and I spent the whole morning cleaning and trying to find him and kick him out, away from my books and all the wooden things I keep around starting with the wooden floor and all the way to my bed.

As I write this blog, fellow human beings object to the torture of an innocent by-stander, as innocent as they come and I realize that geography doesn't define me.

The road was chosen, I came back and found that home really lies somewhere between a heart beat, a strange dialect, airplane sounds, 7ad 7atet fool 3al nar, bedsheets, a ring, a reading list, my professor who taught me almost everything I know, and how a longing I always feel no matter where I am.

I've been away for 4 months and now I came back and found that this fear of being away was very childish because I know my approximate place in the world and it doesnt get any better than that.

The fear has expired, and the language of that fear with it and so, it's time to start something new, or nothing at all. Let go.

I understand why it is a kind of freedom to have nothing at all. Not to have nothing to lose, but to have nothing that you'd mind losing! It's like travelling light.

I haven't been using my laptop as much lately and the distance between me and my laptop is making me do all sorts of other things that are just as important and sometimes even more interesting.

The reason why I used to blog more often than I do now is because there were more things I didn't understand. In writing there's a search for meaning and/or reason and/or theory! Right now, my life seems to be more boring maybe, or maybe I just take things more lightly and I lose my desire to share so very easily. Not to share with readers, to share with the blog, to utter, to express, to write.

A friend of mine told me I should try to publish my writing--the poetry or the prose in arabic or whatever.
I just don't think I am ready to be a persona just yet.
When I read other people's books the writer is a persona, a ghost that's always there lingering and it's especially funny or emotional when I know the author of that book or have heard about him a lot because the persona seems to be fed by reality, or a certain shade of reality.
So yah, I'm not ready for that.
One day, though, I will look for publishing options.

Maybe what I'm gonna do is print this blog and hand it to a publishing house and see their reactions-- whether they think it's worth anything at all.

We have become quite distant: me and this blog.

Time passes by so quickly I can't catch more than a minute with myself even if I try and everything seems to mushed up together.

Today I learned that one of my professors is zionist. She believes that Egypt is a more racist state than Israel and that only Israeli army is to be blamed for everything that has been and is dysfunctional in this part of the world. She doesn't see an agenda; I'm not sure she is seeing facts either.

I'm behind in some of my classes, I need a long stressful weekend to finish what I have to do.

I miss reading for fun!

Happy things.

I'm listening to Bic Runga and she's so hopeful. I can feel hopeful sometimes when it's a good morning, when there's a breeze and it's sunny at the same time. Doesn't happen too often. When the sun's not burning, and not disappeared.

I have made peace with so many little things that've been troubling me.
I love this blog because it's a track of my up's and down's and it's to remind myself of what I've been through, and the things that didn't kill me, and the things that made me stronger.

My computer only has one user.

And even though I'm writing from university now it's amazing how much I feel at home because I'm writing in my blog, and in my blogging position even though not in my room.
I feel so good today.

My dad is coming to watch the play that I've been working in...very soon. I wonder what he'll think and I hope he'll like it. My father does not have an amazing background of art, any kind of art but he has an eye for it. He's very picky and he doesn't like things easily.

That's all.

Coming out.

People have been coming out on their blogs. One of the blogs of which I'm a dedicated reader just had his writer come out.
He didn't know why he wrote for all this time anonymously.

I know why I have.

I mean, yes, some of my "dedicated readers" if they, in fact exist, probably know who I am and what I do, and maybe even vaguely what I look like. Still, I prefer to not think about it, not make it too "out there" because I don't want to bump into someone in a class, or at a conference...then they would go "Aren't you depressed girl who's obsessive about time and whose boyfriend left and and and..."
Not exactly my idea of freedom of expression.

So for now, dear readers (whome I hope exist), we keep it low profile for the sake of not having a heart-attack when faced with the amount of little pieces of information someone who could meet me know about me.

For now I'm just silly obsessive young soul who has a special blogging position.

Some like it gray.

Betrayal.

betrayal.

I am betraying my blog. I'm betraying this blog because, for some reason, Arabic just doesnt work here, all the punctuation gets messed up.
My arabic blogging is moving to same address except on wordpress.
http://cairenesniff.wordpress.com

Reflec-shun.

I haven't had time for reflection in quite a while.

Back...candle-lit room, and blogging position. I might get a job at a store...a salesperson. Needless to say, I will not be using my mental abilities in performing this kind of job, only smiling, and standing abilities. Not a very challenging job. The challenge is doing well in the interview tomorrow, that is.

I need a job, I have free time, I read so much, I go out so much. I need money to do both. I need money to go to the expensive ass gym down the street. Now, how would I get the money if Baba will not PAY!? I get a job that pays well that doesn't eat up all my free time, and that gives me money to read MORE plays. Maybe I'll even be able to fund my film project that's been in process for like one whole year now.

Speaking of films, out of my respect and support for independent film, and filmmakers, alternative styles and cinematic language, I go to a festival held by the British council thing.
I watch "Wingrave" http://www.wingrave-film.com which made me feel stressed, and anticipating for a whole i don't remember how long. People walked out in the middle of that film, now, I don't walk out in the middle of a film, I just don't do that. I watch. There were ideas in there, where did they all go in the end?

Maybe I'm not the best form of audiences, but this film is really already overrated. It makes me sad that you can take strong cinematic language and highly stylized work and throw it right in the trash with your awkward, abrupt, deus ex machina ending, to resolve nothing, and leave nothing unresolved on purpose.

It was that sad.

I need to sleep, I can't show up to the interview with huge black blobs around my eyes.

Untitled.

If He Who Shall Not Be Named (aka HWSNBN), ever finds this blog, I would be very ashamed of myself for having let words of weakness slip through my tongue and into these posts! Hopefully, he will never find it.

The Coming Back

So, after asking a couple of people in a form of a mini-survey...turns out that I am alone.
I am the only one who comes back to Cairo and feel as if I never left.

Maybe I didn't stay abroad for as long as most of them (5 different people).

I am happy to come back. One day, I'll go back to New York, it's such a pretty city. I am happy to be back here, though.

Me and Gogo went around in the streets of Mohandeseen doing nothing, being crazy and natural high. Poor Gogo is so ill.

I was thinking of creating another blog, journal of whatever. This blog has been getting many many readers. But I dont know, I belong here...my blog feels like home. It's strange. I try to change the way it looks sometimes, and the color-scheme but I can't. It looks as if someone had redecorated your whole room that it doesnt feel like your room anymore.
I really love this space.

Funny thing, I have readers that are not Egyptian. I look at the little map thing and it makes me wonder. The idea is nice, though. Someone in..I dont know what, Greenland, has been reading an entry I have written.

There's no punch-line for today.

The Joy of Being Underground

Today, i discovered why popularity is a curse when I went to ForsoothSayer's blog and saw her Ramadan-hating post. OMG! 60 something comments, people almost beating the hell out of each other, angry voices! I just looked down and wished that these people never ever bump into my little humble ramadan-hating post. I realized how safe it is not to be on stage...I keep forgetting it, but now I remember it again: The higher you are, the easier it is for you to be shot. So here I am ranting all over again about my experiences and my this and my that for a very few people who actually read my post till the end. And it's how I like it- especially with my new extra cheesy national colors blog and stuff of the side lol.
The truth is, I never liked the spotlight. I could still admit I'm a coward.

Silliness of Life

One of the very main reasons why I love this blog is that it's one place where I am not required to be prfound! It's one place where I am not required to be anything, actually. I could be however silly I want. There's no risk! People who read this blog are either people who never even met me, or people who know me well enough to realize that I am silly and dorky most of the time! And, acutally, being the silly person that I am is a relief.
Days ago I went to a soft ball match, a friend was playing. All the players and even the watchers were "white people" like Gogo calls them. The thing is, (again, being the silly person that I am) I didnt know what the hell was going on. I dont understand the rules of the game or anything so the only thing i was doing was commenting on how silly this one is, or how this guy has a big butt or like, the fact that this guy looks like a pirate etc, :D
And, it was so much fun! Seriously, this was just as fun as being in a Gender and Literature class and having to think about prfound, deep ideas of gender and stuff!
Believe it or not, the ability to be silly is one of the best things in life :]