Pathetic

It all started 3 weeks ago maybe, when I started noticing other people judging me!
It makes me laugh so hard when people give me the "you're pathetic look".
Different people give it to me for different reasons. Some people look at my bag or my shoes and think *you're not wearing gucci, you're so pathetic*
Other people are like *you didn't do your work on time, you're so pathetic*
A different kind buzz *your best friend ignores you, you're so pathetic* - people give me those looks on a daily basis. It makes me laugh so hard because the things that other people think are pathetic are the best things that ever happened to me, or me at my best!
The other day I was telling my friend how funny it is to me!

Conversation w/ my dad
-"Do you want anything from here"
*"No, thank you, see you soon"
-"bye"
*"bye"

I forgot something, i call him back
-"I forgot something, I DO want something"
*"what?"
-"those weird paper thingies you put over light bulbs and they can be a certain color"
*"oh yah"
-"I want 2 of those for my new apt"
*"I'll get them, promise"
-"thanks baba, bye"

After that conversation, I slept and I had a dream that I was on a train and I didn't have luggage and I was going somewhere. I didn't have luggage and I didn't lose luggage, I didn't NEED luggage.
It was so funny how I didn't need anything.

Last week I got so drunk w/ my friends. We were drinking "to commitment", and it was so much fun. It made me laugh inside how pathetic we must have looked. Me, and my friends celebrating my engagement WITHOUT my fiance!

I need to go to the gym, cut down on smoking, do a lot of work but I'M STILL RELAXED ABOUT IT! lol.

I'm pathetic and it's funny because I'm so pathetically happy!
(it's almost nauseating)

Two Fish

Two siamese fish swam in the sea
one was 8 and one was 80
they fought over which was to go
but they know almost when to stop.

and they never drowned.

Ella Fitzgerald found her yellow basket

And it's a dream come true.

The Calm.

My best friend doesn't know how to deal with the calm.

I don't know what to do when there's not at least one calm, one calm thing, one calm feeling, one calm person.

She operates under obsession, obsession with at least one thing, but too much obsession can kill her emotionally. Believe me, it's a fine line between the both of these states of mind.

I have made my peace with all of them. Like she operates with obsession, they operate with fear...and maybe only with fear, fear of losing power, and losing control over their own lives. Making sure no one else can control them, no one mocks them. They operate only under fear of being rejected, all of them. They all feed on each-other's weaknesses.
It's a sick environment.

Bic Runga again. She has almost the opposite effect of Nina Simone. Nine is the crash of reality, Bic is like all your dreams, all the things in your mind, in your eyes...the little sparks and the little reflections.

My best friend is afraid of change. She's afraid of being left, and alone.
It's only of life to leave, and come back. And that's one more thing I can't teach.

Happy things.

I'm listening to Bic Runga and she's so hopeful. I can feel hopeful sometimes when it's a good morning, when there's a breeze and it's sunny at the same time. Doesn't happen too often. When the sun's not burning, and not disappeared.

I have made peace with so many little things that've been troubling me.
I love this blog because it's a track of my up's and down's and it's to remind myself of what I've been through, and the things that didn't kill me, and the things that made me stronger.

My computer only has one user.

And even though I'm writing from university now it's amazing how much I feel at home because I'm writing in my blog, and in my blogging position even though not in my room.
I feel so good today.

My dad is coming to watch the play that I've been working in...very soon. I wonder what he'll think and I hope he'll like it. My father does not have an amazing background of art, any kind of art but he has an eye for it. He's very picky and he doesn't like things easily.

That's all.

A few things that've been going on.

When people get close to one another, they start worrying more about losing that relationship that they have, and it makes them worry sick.
Relax.
It's all a part of the divine plan :D
And years later I'll remind you of a new country that we didn't add on the list, that's not getting old, because new countries keep showing up, and other countries freakin disappear!

Alexandria is so beautiful when you know people there, and make memories with places.
The sea is amazing, but I can never live by the sea for more than 4 days. For me, the sea is a phenomenon that needs studying and examining. The sea is like having three weeks without the sun, or maybe it's more like spending whole days without eating. Being next to the sea for too long messes up my whole system.

I love Alexandria. It's a pretty pretty city, with lots of people who have shiney eyes.
You always find extra-shiney eyes in places that are on the sea, I believe that people who live next to the sea are all infected with some kind of slight lunacy. The sea is really a natural phenomenon...like freakin volcano's.

And now I'll remember Alexandria with a little bit of Lebanon in it, and a little bit of a girl who was was, is a little a sad, and might never be sad again if only chance lets her feel otherwise. Chance seems to be on her side, though...or God.

This Ramadan, I managed to forget that there's such a thing as Ramadan, and it was so beautiful. I just felt that some places are closed because of some special ritual, and less people smoke during the day. I managed to only drive during Iftar time, or very late at night. Ramadan passed and I didn't see it- exactly what I want.

My sister is one year older and she still doesn't understand why I don't fast. Last year I had a post about that. This year, she doesn't understand why I don't fast, but she gave up on asking. Maybe she learned something, asking the same question frequently doesn't automatically grant answers, or at least true ones.

Have you ever felt a love that grows by day? I have. Love for the eyes, for the feel of the face. To be blind and have to touch the face, and try to hear the voice, to be deaf and just see the face for every little wrinkle that shows when he laughs.
This is called love that grows by day.

I'm not calmer, I just know how to handle my emotions better now.
And i'm not guilty of things I didn't do, and didn't plan on doing.

And I love that it rained today.
And I saw a friend that's been away for 4 months in the khalij, he is happy.

My flowers are sad because I don't water them as often now that I come home very late and leave very early in the morning.

I got flowers from the farm, pink flowers, and I'm drying them to take pictures of them soon.

Dead flowers are always photogenic as can be.

Happy Happy Happy

Listening to Michael Buble makes me happy...it does, it makes me want to dance and laugh out loud, it's a strange feeling.
I'm listening to Save the Last Dance for Me, one of the cheesiest songs I have ever listened to, but I'm so addicted to it! I'm not sure if it's about the beat, or his way of singing it that makes it so happy and CRAZY-LOVE like!

Off to NY

Today I was jumping around the house and my sister was looking at me like I just graduated from El Saraya El Safra (the mental hospital in salah salem street :D )
And i went on to her about how people can make my day so easily. Someone made my day today by smiling at me. Random smiling.
I can still remember one day in Korba when i random stranger said Good evening and it also made my day because he wasnt flirting or anything he was just being nice and human. Making my day is so easy!
Unbelievable easy.

I will be leaving to NY on Sunday morning. Don't worry, I will still be bugging you with my most random and pointless posts.

It's strange that I didnt post a picture on this blog since forever even though I'm a photographer. Very strange.

I thought I had something to say, but it turned out just as pointless. Damn.