The Calm.

My best friend doesn't know how to deal with the calm.

I don't know what to do when there's not at least one calm, one calm thing, one calm feeling, one calm person.

She operates under obsession, obsession with at least one thing, but too much obsession can kill her emotionally. Believe me, it's a fine line between the both of these states of mind.

I have made my peace with all of them. Like she operates with obsession, they operate with fear...and maybe only with fear, fear of losing power, and losing control over their own lives. Making sure no one else can control them, no one mocks them. They operate only under fear of being rejected, all of them. They all feed on each-other's weaknesses.
It's a sick environment.

Bic Runga again. She has almost the opposite effect of Nina Simone. Nine is the crash of reality, Bic is like all your dreams, all the things in your mind, in your eyes...the little sparks and the little reflections.

My best friend is afraid of change. She's afraid of being left, and alone.
It's only of life to leave, and come back. And that's one more thing I can't teach.

Disappointment.

disappointment.

I am disappointed by my favorite teacher, the one I respect most.

And, I have disappointed my best friend, my best judge.

Happy things.

I'm listening to Bic Runga and she's so hopeful. I can feel hopeful sometimes when it's a good morning, when there's a breeze and it's sunny at the same time. Doesn't happen too often. When the sun's not burning, and not disappeared.

I have made peace with so many little things that've been troubling me.
I love this blog because it's a track of my up's and down's and it's to remind myself of what I've been through, and the things that didn't kill me, and the things that made me stronger.

My computer only has one user.

And even though I'm writing from university now it's amazing how much I feel at home because I'm writing in my blog, and in my blogging position even though not in my room.
I feel so good today.

My dad is coming to watch the play that I've been working in...very soon. I wonder what he'll think and I hope he'll like it. My father does not have an amazing background of art, any kind of art but he has an eye for it. He's very picky and he doesn't like things easily.

That's all.

A few things that've been going on.

When people get close to one another, they start worrying more about losing that relationship that they have, and it makes them worry sick.
Relax.
It's all a part of the divine plan :D
And years later I'll remind you of a new country that we didn't add on the list, that's not getting old, because new countries keep showing up, and other countries freakin disappear!

Alexandria is so beautiful when you know people there, and make memories with places.
The sea is amazing, but I can never live by the sea for more than 4 days. For me, the sea is a phenomenon that needs studying and examining. The sea is like having three weeks without the sun, or maybe it's more like spending whole days without eating. Being next to the sea for too long messes up my whole system.

I love Alexandria. It's a pretty pretty city, with lots of people who have shiney eyes.
You always find extra-shiney eyes in places that are on the sea, I believe that people who live next to the sea are all infected with some kind of slight lunacy. The sea is really a natural phenomenon...like freakin volcano's.

And now I'll remember Alexandria with a little bit of Lebanon in it, and a little bit of a girl who was was, is a little a sad, and might never be sad again if only chance lets her feel otherwise. Chance seems to be on her side, though...or God.

This Ramadan, I managed to forget that there's such a thing as Ramadan, and it was so beautiful. I just felt that some places are closed because of some special ritual, and less people smoke during the day. I managed to only drive during Iftar time, or very late at night. Ramadan passed and I didn't see it- exactly what I want.

My sister is one year older and she still doesn't understand why I don't fast. Last year I had a post about that. This year, she doesn't understand why I don't fast, but she gave up on asking. Maybe she learned something, asking the same question frequently doesn't automatically grant answers, or at least true ones.

Have you ever felt a love that grows by day? I have. Love for the eyes, for the feel of the face. To be blind and have to touch the face, and try to hear the voice, to be deaf and just see the face for every little wrinkle that shows when he laughs.
This is called love that grows by day.

I'm not calmer, I just know how to handle my emotions better now.
And i'm not guilty of things I didn't do, and didn't plan on doing.

And I love that it rained today.
And I saw a friend that's been away for 4 months in the khalij, he is happy.

My flowers are sad because I don't water them as often now that I come home very late and leave very early in the morning.

I got flowers from the farm, pink flowers, and I'm drying them to take pictures of them soon.

Dead flowers are always photogenic as can be.

Breathe.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Sometimes you give some problems a lot more value than they deserve. Maybe you think they're so big, when they can be so small, and be fixed easily.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Soon I'll go to a hidey place where no one knows and lay on the sand and just feel good.
And maybe sooner I'll relax. It's very hard for someone like me to relax.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Let's try not to make a big deal out of the stage, maybe I'll be able to forget what happens on there.